Bulls Attorney Responds

Game 67: Bulls 2, Iron Pigs 6
Season: 38-29
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Farfaleaux, Foghart, & Bloviate, L.L.C.
Attorneys-at-Law & Media Relations Consultants
Diamond View II
Durham, North Carolina

June 19, 2009

Dear sir/madam:

We have been retained by the Durham Bulls Baseball Club in the matter of your recent correspondence. By way of background, our firm are long-time advisors to the team, most recently in the matter of the bats Mr. Jon Weber has been inadvertently launching in the general direction of your seats. Please be assured that we have advised our client regarding appropriate measures to include such substances as “pine tar” and/or batting gloves in the hopes that those incidents will not be repeated. In the meantime, we should note that the ballpark store has on sale rather comfortable plastic helmets that should be considered in the event that Mr. Weber’s diligent efforts to remedy the problem should prove unsuccessful.

To the matter at hand, however. This morning I communicated your concerns to the relevant parties. To wit: Mr. Montoyo, Mr. Hernandez, and Mr. Myers. Far be it from me to repeat verbatim their responses, which were, I must say, rather scatological. Suffice it to say that they referred to odoriferous deposits occasionally left behind by Mr. Wool E. Bull in the subterranean passageways of the edifice our offices overlook.

There followed a rather intemperate exchange, which I at first took to be on the order of blaming the messenger, i.e., myself. Included were some quite personal and, if I may say so, rather rude remarks by the aforesaid and some of their younger colleagues in the dressing room of the arena.

As I was a witness to the performance of those same young men last evening (that is, June 18th, the day after the events outlined in your missive), I am ashamed to say that I felt compelled to respond to them in a like manner. I noted their repeated failures to bring to the home plate a great number of their fellow ballplayers, leaving them standing rather forlornly on second and third base. I believe the condition is referred to as RiSP, 2 out of 12 as I pointed out. I went on to include what I fear were regarded as somewhat unkind comments on the current value of the relief corps. Given the quite valiant efforts of your gentleman, Mr. Cromer, and last evening’s “starter”, Mr. DeSalvo, one would think that the gentlemen responsible for the late innings would be well-rested and ready to “close it out,” as it were. Unfortunately, they were not, as I pointed out somewhat forcefully, up to the mark.

Nevertheless, I feel quite certain that they will in due course respond to your concerns. Indeed, subsequent to not a few unkind remarks regarding my appearance and parentage I left somewhat hastily, but encouraged by the spirit and élan on display.

Yours most truly,

Armbruster Farfaleaux
Sr Partner, FF&B